mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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