I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
