3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize