I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
