Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
