You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
