I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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