can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
