Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
