why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
