Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
