cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
