i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
