You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
