We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
