i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
