My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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