I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
