I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
