She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
