My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
