Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
