i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
