Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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