the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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