I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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