I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
