I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
