I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
