Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
