You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
In other news, I just burned my penis
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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