those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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