Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
