i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
