I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
