Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
