So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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