dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
