When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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