It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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