you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize