My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
