you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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