at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
