I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
