Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
