The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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