I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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