$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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