College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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