I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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