I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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