Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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