The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
