I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
