turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
