if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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