Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
