I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
