He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
