do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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