Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize