I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
