Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
